Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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