Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
