I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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