I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
