so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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