I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
