Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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