Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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