Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
