and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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