He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
