o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize