i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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