how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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