No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
