just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
