So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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