why im i the only drunk person in the library?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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