This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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