I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
