organizing the empties. That sober.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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