What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
