My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Pants are for mortals
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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