Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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