I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
