I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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