sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize