I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
