Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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