Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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