am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
