I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
