We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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