I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
