so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You are the jesus of drinking
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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