you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize