I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize