He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
