I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We need a shit load of segways right now
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
