shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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