i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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