i just had sex bonerless
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My feet surprised me
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