mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
