He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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