why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
