All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
