neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
