You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
