Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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