I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
organizing the empties. That sober.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
