My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize