I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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