she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize