i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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