I will die if light touches me.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
