I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
